I found my journal from before Jonathan was born and up until his 6th month....
August 2007 - I dream of the future
and watching you grow. I can see you so vividly in my dreams, your eyes will be
big and blue, your cheeks dimpled, your hair very blonde, your skin soft and
fair. I'll feel your laugh all the way down my spine. You've got a belly. With
cherry popsicle-sticky all down your shirt, your neck creases gummed up with a
mix of lint and red goo. You have fat little fingers that get stuck in my hair
when you kiss me and spit your wet kiss all over my cheek. You'll call me Mama.
I know your face even though you don't have one yet, and I cry thinking of your
beautiful face. I cry those happy tears every time I think of you. I am not
wondering if you are a boy or a girl, because I know. I have heard your daddy
tell me that you are a girl over and over again that I almost believe him. But,
I know you are a boy. A girl would be too convenient, too easy and I always
have known my first little baby would be a beautiful boy.
September 2007 - My little angel
baby, my wink from God.
I think I will be ready when you decide you are ready. I am trying to be ready
for you. I knew you were growing inside me, before anyone else knew you were
there. I swayed in the breeze and drank lots of water and took naps and hummed
to myself. I knew right away, and I had an air of wisdom and a glow about me, a
beautiful secret. I took people’s ‘mother’s
day wishes’ to heart, even though they didn’t know what I knew. I talk to you, on long car rides and short
car rides and sometimes right out loud when I am just lying in bed thinking,
and I catch you up on time lost. I promise not to feed you Lunchables or miss your school plays or make you color inside the
lines. And I promise you’ll make me light up when you walk in the room.
November 2007 - It is almost time for you, our baby, to be
born into this world. Yesterday we celebrated your impending birth with a
baby shower, and your grandmother Barbara was so happy, she did a lot of work
to throw a beautiful party. A lot of people who care about you
attended. Their gifts to you were lovingly wrapped and presented, and I
accepted each expression of caring with a heart full of joy. Everyone was
happy to be sharing this time together. There were poignant moments, and
a few tears were shed.
You will make your amazing entrance into the world in about eight
weeks. This represents just a twitch in the history of the world, but for
those of us who are anxiously awaiting your birth, time will seem to stretch
and elongate. This period of waiting will be excruciating for us.
And when the time of your birth is upon me, and I will endure this labor and
delivery as all women of the world have done throughout history, with dignity
and with love for her child. My reward will be the sound of your first
cry.
I have been preparing for my role as your mother all my life. I have
carried and nurtured you in my body for about seven months so far, and will
nurture you after you are born. I will feed you, take care of you in
sickness and in health, kiss you when you are hurt, hug you when you need a
hug, and love you all the days of your life. I will teach you those
things you will need to live and thrive.
I will always remember your smell, the feel of your skin, the touch of your
hand, the love in your heart, and the warmth of your embrace. There is
nothing in this world like a newly born baby -- the sweetness and the
innocence, God's clay to be molded into a lovely human being. Mommy and
Daddy did a good thing in making you.
December 2007 - You came quietly into this world. Most babies cry, a lot.
Not you. You came into world without making a fuss, as if to say, what’s the
big deal? You were the smallest of babies, and daddy and I were so worried you
wouldn’t gain enough weight at the hospital to go home.
I
had never seen your daddy happier then the moments he held you in your arms for
the first time. He had such pride in his eyes, such love on his face.
January 2008 - Your
first few days of life were trying, exhausting a yet very rewarding. I had
waited my whole life for the moment in which I would be a mother; I could not
have picked a more perfect son! I truly dread the day I have to leave you at
home and return to work. I hope your daddy and I can figure out a plan for me
to be with you every-day!
February 2008 - Your favorite song is You are My Sunshine. It goes something
like this:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love
you. Please don’t take my sunshine away. The other night dear, when I lie
sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms, When I awoken, I was mistaken, So I
hung my head and cried. You love this song and when you’re wide awake, I
sing it a little more up-beat and you sing along in your cute baby language and
smile and giggle like crazy. When your crying and sleepy, I sing it nice and
low and slowly and you close your eyes and smile at me.
April 2008 -
You are a precocious little thing. You always have a twinkle in your eye
that I am pretty sure means you are up to something. Learning to roll is
your newest trick and you are standing with support and showing a distinct
interest is climbing. Climbing me, climbing the furniture and climbing
out of where-ever I put you. Your hair is now less like Donald Trump and
more like Richey Rich. You have been baptized now in the Catholic Church
and I hope you will grow up with a strong sense of faith even though your Daddy
will not be helping me in this area. As you get bigger, your personality
emerges and I see that you are going to be a mixture of your father and
I. You like toys that allow you to put something in your mouth or
press buttons. You are smart. When you sleep, you get yourself
caught in the corner of your crib and then you press your head against the
bumper that everyone told me not to put on. You have no teeth, but I
think your working on a few. Your hair is strawberry blonde and your eyes
are blue– you are beautiful. I continue to love you more each day and
think the things you do are amazing. I know people say I will regret it
but I wish you could walk and talk. I can’t wait.
May 2008 -
I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do was go through labor and
give birth to you. I can remember it so vividly; you decided to run into the
world in the middle of the night on the eve of Christmas Eve, a whooping three and
a half weeks early. I was so excited to meet you, but terrified that this early
arrival would mean you would not be a healthy little guy. But, like your mother, you are not one to procrastinate;
you’re a mover and a shaker! You were ready when you were ready and no one was going
to stop you! You have taught me a different love And with that love comes a full range
of other emotions. I have experienced feelings of helplessness when you were my
little alien baby those first few days, feelings of despair when you were
crying relentlessly in the early months when anyone other than I held you.
Feelings of pity when you were in pain from needles, a belly ache or a tooth
coming in and feelings of insecurity about all the new aspects of life that
being a parent brings with it. You have inspired me by just being you. The
relentless effort you put into discovering the world and developing each new
skill in all its tiny variations have astounded your father and I more than
once. It makes me wonder why and when we lose the ambition and energy to be so
vigorous in developing ourselves.
You
have also awakened another level of being me. You made me think about life in a
different perspective. You made me think about life beyond my own and its
consequences, this still has me puzzled in many wonderful ways. Your being here
has also deepened my love for your father. I can see his love for you and his
devotion to be the best dad he can. It fills me with love and warmth to see you
two together, playing together and sharing love and fun. Know that I’ll be here
for you on your path through this thing called life. You can count on me for
being there when you need support in all its subtle appearances. A hand to help
you when you attempt your first steps, a hand to catch you in case you might
fall, attempting another audacious effort at something you don’t master (yet). Thank you for being your beautiful you. I
love you.
June 2008 - You’re six months now. You love being placed in
the car seat, getting tucked in, and turning to watch the TV when I try to feed
you. You hate seeing mommy leave. You love going for walks in the stroller,
petting Kali doggy, and eating anything. You also love exploring the house,
playing with toys, and pulling out your daddy’s hair. You love books; you love
your story time. Daddy loves it too. I think it is the only thing that makes
him smile after a long day at work, cuddling up in our bed with you and
watching your eyes light up as you listen to him reading a story to you. You
prefer to eat your fingers, to anything else we stick in your mouth. You like
to stare at me when I eat, wondering why you get mashed carrots for dinner
while I get candy, cookies, chips, and ice cream. Don’t worry, when you get
older daddy will give you the good stuff when mommy isn’t looking. Daddy already
has his line memorized, “Oh, how did he get that?” You love sleeping in your
crib, looking at the stars projected on your ceiling and listening to the soft
classical music I play for you every night. Some nights, especially when I have
to be up early to go to work, you cry and cry until you end up asleep with
mommy and daddy. So far, you have not fallen off the bed or been trampled on by
wild Kali doggy. But you are an accident waiting to happen. Daddy loves playing
peek-a-boo with you. When daddy pops out and say peek-a-boo, you flash your
great smile. Your smile makes daddy smile. And when daddy tickles you, you
giggle in delight. You love sitting or riding on daddy’s shoulders. Way up
there, in the air. Not sure how you picked this up, but you also like to smack
people with your hands. It’s funny when you smack people in the arms, not so
funny when it’s the face. Sometimes when you play, you like to pretend to give
daddy things, like your pacifier. We really need to work on that sharing thing,
because you pull it away at the last second and shove it into your mouth with a
giggle. Other times, you pull your hand away when daddy reaches for your hand.
Then you smile like you know what you are doing.
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