Memories of a Little Man...

I found my journal from before Jonathan was born and up until his 6th month....

August 2007 - I dream of the future and watching you grow. I can see you so vividly in my dreams, your eyes will be big and blue, your cheeks dimpled, your hair very blonde, your skin soft and fair. I'll feel your laugh all the way down my spine. You've got a belly. With cherry popsicle-sticky all down your shirt, your neck creases gummed up with a mix of lint and red goo. You have fat little fingers that get stuck in my hair when you kiss me and spit your wet kiss all over my cheek. You'll call me Mama. I know your face even though you don't have one yet, and I cry thinking of your beautiful face. I cry those happy tears every time I think of you. I am not wondering if you are a boy or a girl, because I know. I have heard your daddy tell me that you are a girl over and over again that I almost believe him. But, I know you are a boy. A girl would be too convenient, too easy and I always have known my first little baby would be a beautiful boy.

September 2007 - My little angel baby, my wink from God. I think I will be ready when you decide you are ready. I am trying to be ready for you. I knew you were growing inside me, before anyone else knew you were there. I swayed in the breeze and drank lots of water and took naps and hummed to myself. I knew right away, and I had an air of wisdom and a glow about me, a beautiful secret. I took people’s ‘mother’s day wishes’ to heart, even though they didn’t know what I knew.  I talk to you, on long car rides and short car rides and sometimes right out loud when I am just lying in bed thinking, and I catch you up on time lost. I promise not to feed you Lunchables or miss your school plays or make you color inside the lines. And I promise you’ll make me light up when you walk in the room.

November 2007 - It is almost time for you, our baby, to be born into this world.  Yesterday we celebrated your impending birth with a baby shower, and your grandmother Barbara was so happy, she did a lot of work to throw a beautiful party.  A lot of people who care about you attended. Their gifts to you were lovingly wrapped and presented, and I accepted each expression of caring with a heart full of joy.  Everyone was happy to be sharing this time together.  There were poignant moments, and a few tears were shed. 
You will make your amazing entrance into the world in about eight weeks.  This represents just a twitch in the history of the world, but for those of us who are anxiously awaiting your birth, time will seem to stretch and elongate.  This period of waiting will be excruciating for us.  And when the time of your birth is upon me, and I will endure this labor and delivery as all women of the world have done throughout history, with dignity and with love for her child.  My reward will be the sound of your first cry.
I have been preparing for my role as your mother all my life.  I have carried and nurtured you in my body for about seven months so far, and will nurture you after you are born.  I will feed you, take care of you in sickness and in health, kiss you when you are hurt, hug you when you need a hug, and love you all the days of your life.  I will teach you those things you will need to live and thrive.
I will always remember your smell, the feel of your skin, the touch of your hand, the love in your heart, and the warmth of your embrace.  There is nothing in this world like a newly born baby -- the sweetness and the innocence, God's clay to be molded into a lovely human being.  Mommy and Daddy did a good thing in making you.
December 2007 - You came quietly into this world. Most babies cry, a lot. Not you. You came into world without making a fuss, as if to say, what’s the big deal? You were the smallest of babies, and daddy and I were so worried you wouldn’t gain enough weight at the hospital to go home. I had never seen your daddy happier then the moments he held you in your arms for the first time. He had such pride in his eyes, such love on his face.

January 2008 - Your first few days of life were trying, exhausting a yet very rewarding. I had waited my whole life for the moment in which I would be a mother; I could not have picked a more perfect son! I truly dread the day I have to leave you at home and return to work. I hope your daddy and I can figure out a plan for me to be with you every-day!

February 2008 - Your favorite song is You are My Sunshine. It goes something like this: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away. The other night dear, when I lie sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms, When I awoken, I was mistaken, So I hung my head and cried. You love this song and when you’re wide awake, I sing it a little more up-beat and you sing along in your cute baby language and smile and giggle like crazy. When your crying and sleepy, I sing it nice and low and slowly and you close your eyes and smile at me.

April 2008 - You are a precocious little thing.  You always have a twinkle in your eye that I am pretty sure means you are up to something.  Learning to roll is your newest trick and you are standing with support and showing a distinct interest is climbing.  Climbing me, climbing the furniture and climbing out of where-ever I put you.  Your hair is now less like Donald Trump and more like Richey Rich.  You have been baptized now in the Catholic Church and I hope you will grow up with a strong sense of faith even though your Daddy will not be helping me in this area.  As you get bigger, your personality emerges and I see that you are going to be a mixture of your father and I.  You like toys that allow you to put something in your mouth or press buttons.  You are smart.  When you sleep, you get yourself caught in the corner of your crib and then you press your head against the bumper that everyone told me not to put on.  You have no teeth, but I think your working on a few.  Your hair is strawberry blonde and your eyes are blue– you are beautiful.  I continue to love you more each day and think the things you do are amazing.  I know people say I will regret it but I wish you could walk and talk.  I can’t wait. 

May 2008 - I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do was go through labor and give birth to you. I can remember it so vividly; you decided to run into the world in the middle of the night on the eve of Christmas Eve, a whooping three and a half weeks early. I was so excited to meet you, but terrified that this early arrival would mean you would not be a healthy little guy.  But, like your mother, you are not one to procrastinate; you’re a mover and a shaker! You were ready when you were ready and no one was going to stop you! You have taught me a different love And with that love comes a full range of other emotions. I have experienced feelings of helplessness when you were my little alien baby those first few days, feelings of despair when you were crying relentlessly in the early months when anyone other than I held you. Feelings of pity when you were in pain from needles, a belly ache or a tooth coming in and feelings of insecurity about all the new aspects of life that being a parent brings with it. You have inspired me by just being you. The relentless effort you put into discovering the world and developing each new skill in all its tiny variations have astounded your father and I more than once. It makes me wonder why and when we lose the ambition and energy to be so vigorous in developing ourselves.

You have also awakened another level of being me. You made me think about life in a different perspective. You made me think about life beyond my own and its consequences, this still has me puzzled in many wonderful ways. Your being here has also deepened my love for your father. I can see his love for you and his devotion to be the best dad he can. It fills me with love and warmth to see you two together, playing together and sharing love and fun. Know that I’ll be here for you on your path through this thing called life. You can count on me for being there when you need support in all its subtle appearances. A hand to help you when you attempt your first steps, a hand to catch you in case you might fall, attempting another audacious effort at something you don’t master (yet).  Thank you for being your beautiful you. I love you.

June 2008 - You’re six months now. You love being placed in the car seat, getting tucked in, and turning to watch the TV when I try to feed you. You hate seeing mommy leave. You love going for walks in the stroller, petting Kali doggy, and eating anything. You also love exploring the house, playing with toys, and pulling out your daddy’s hair. You love books; you love your story time. Daddy loves it too. I think it is the only thing that makes him smile after a long day at work, cuddling up in our bed with you and watching your eyes light up as you listen to him reading a story to you. You prefer to eat your fingers, to anything else we stick in your mouth. You like to stare at me when I eat, wondering why you get mashed carrots for dinner while I get candy, cookies, chips, and ice cream. Don’t worry, when you get older daddy will give you the good stuff when mommy isn’t looking. Daddy already has his line memorized, “Oh, how did he get that?” You love sleeping in your crib, looking at the stars projected on your ceiling and listening to the soft classical music I play for you every night. Some nights, especially when I have to be up early to go to work, you cry and cry until you end up asleep with mommy and daddy. So far, you have not fallen off the bed or been trampled on by wild Kali doggy. But you are an accident waiting to happen. Daddy loves playing peek-a-boo with you. When daddy pops out and say peek-a-boo, you flash your great smile. Your smile makes daddy smile. And when daddy tickles you, you giggle in delight. You love sitting or riding on daddy’s shoulders. Way up there, in the air. Not sure how you picked this up, but you also like to smack people with your hands. It’s funny when you smack people in the arms, not so funny when it’s the face. Sometimes when you play, you like to pretend to give daddy things, like your pacifier. We really need to work on that sharing thing, because you pull it away at the last second and shove it into your mouth with a giggle. Other times, you pull your hand away when daddy reaches for your hand. Then you smile like you know what you are doing.